Ramblings

Well, I know I've not posted for a couple of Days - busy busy :). Had a great day off on Thursday (spent lots of cash.....) - I got a new pair of boots among several other things. Didn't get home until nearly 7 and then another friend came over and we watched a couple of DVDs. I discovered that I have a number of interesting feelings developing about said friend, which was a bit of a surprise.... Anyway, he's a lovely bloke and I am quite happy to be friends if that's what's going to work best - I'm fairly sure that a harmless crush is good for me right now (I always enjoyed that, unless it develops into a nasty obsessional thing, anyway). I have spoken about it at length with one of my girlfriends and she is of the opinion that it's perfectly normal for me to go through a kind of mini teenage thing in my love life right now, while I re-assess where I what my boundries and things are - makes sense to me anyway.

Talking of which.... I had a few people up to the house on Saturday to drink some of the ridiculous quantity of wine I have (we ended up having 5 bottles between 4 of us...) and I ended up having a snog (and nearly something else, but common sense eventually prevailed) with one of my friends. Completely unsuitable, but it's amazing what a bit of booze will do. I think we're putting it down to experience and never mentioning it again :) . Was an interesting way of drawing a line under the fact that I'm single again, if not entirely a sensible one. Ah well, Life's too short to have regrets, no harm done so I'm chalking it up to experience. My plan to seduce Orlando Bloom continues apace ;) .

Had a horrible, horrible hangover yesterday *uck* and spent most of the day wrapped up in my quilt watching TV and groaning at people. My lovely friends (one in particular) helped tidy up and made me breakfast and went to get fast food for lunch. It's amazing how much a better a burger makes you feel! Exchanged a few text messages with my crush-boy and tried very hard not to go to bed too early. Managed to stay up until the very late half past nine! Slept like a log though and am probably doing better for it today at work. Still need some breakfast tho! Never mind, the canteen will be open soon.

I'm RPGing tonight - the GM is my snog-ee boy, so we'll see if there's any residual peculiarness or not (fingers crossed not). I am off to attend the servers and get a roll and something for brekkie. Not neccessarily in that order :) AM HUNGRY!

Well, work was a bit of a nightmare to get away from last night - and not even for anything I could really fix (that always makes me really grumpy - having to sort out other people's messes...) anyway, I did get to Ikea and managed to spent £60 on not very much at all - a couple of pictures, a couple of cushions and a laundry basket... Nice pictures admittedly - 50cmx50cm thick metal frames of one blue tulip and 3 blue tulips. very Classy looking on my wall! I need to hammer up proper hooks tonight...

I am very close to owning everything in every room of my house bar the spare bedroom, which is stuffed full of his junk in boxes. I reckon it'll be all sorted after another 4/5hours of carting, and All my piccies should be up and sorted out by that point as well.... this could become EXPENSIVE...want to buy LOTS MORE STUFF :) . I imagine it's quite a normal reaction to want to make the place a little more girly and a bit more grown up (he's big on his toys....).

Talking of reactions, I'm getting my hair cut at half one... I was dithering about getting a bit of a drastic cut, but I reckon I'll stick with more of the same but a better shape and no split ends.. am looking forward to getting it done anyway, it's nice and relaxing and I always feel better afterwards. :)


Better get on..

Ahhhh, internet access has been down from work all day, so only able to get on now - ah well, it's the dullest part of the day so that's probably a good thng :)

Had a good time last night, really impressed by my new character - she's very capable and independant and has a lot of skills the team needs (which is why going with a GM made up character sometimes has it's advantages.....) and got a lift back to my friends house where I was staying afterwards too. Our friend who was driving is going to Japan for 3 weeks on sunday morning so we're not going to see him for nearly a month. Slept like a log on the comfy couch and actually slept a little longer than I intended. Still had time to invade Boots though :) got shampoo and all that kind of thing £40 in all - but as I used to go everyday, sometimes twice when I was in my last job, and now I go once a month or so, that's not bad!

Am knackered now admittedly, but making a big effort to avoid going straight home, as a Tuesday is the night when HE used to run our "big" game - the campaign was over 2 years old and I'm never going to find out how it ends. I'm going to go to Ikea on the way home and pick up a couple of big prints to cover the holes in the wall and then I'll call my Mum, so I'll hopefully not be too aware of what I'm missing... Last night's game showed me that I'm still going to get good games with good Characters anyway. There are a couple of REALLY good players in that group and it really does lift the standard of the group as a whole if there are a couple of people who are really into it. He be worthless.

I'm trying to organise some stuff for my day off on Thursday, I think I've got a couple of the guys hooked up for shopping and a late lunch, and we MIGHT manage a session of a very few and far between game that we've been playing on and off (mainly off...) for about 8years, that'd be really really fun.

I'd better go do something approximating work.... only and hour and a hald to go

well, 6 hours down, 2 to go.... I've put in my order for Chicken fried rice, I decided it was a less messy option in the end :).

Well, I was supposed to be off on Friday and I'd hoped to get him to come get his stuff then, but as it turns out they needed to swap my day off to Thursday instead, so it's as well I decided not to contact him about it yet. I'm on an early on Wednesday and the Friday though, so I may still pursue the idea of him picking some stuff up before the hordes decend on Saturday night. I'll see how I feel. on one hand I want the space back, on the other I REALLY don't think I'm ready to see him just yet. I think it takes a lot of time before anyone is ready to be "just friends" and I'm not sure if I even want to pursue that line yet anyway. Head's in a bit of a spin about the whole thing, on one hand I can see that he'd be quite a fun friend and it'd certainly be a whole lot easier to keep in touch with some joint friends (mostly originally his, but after 5+ years that does change) but on the other I'm not sure that I can take all the emotional crap that that might stir up - it's a bit difficult to keep my feelings straight as it is. On the plus side I reckon that I could possibly pursue a little light, non serious fliration and possibly snogging - certainly not dating or anything of that nature. I enjoyed that kind of thing when I was younger, not quite sure how to go about it now - but mentally even it's a start.


On other good news I reckon I am losing a little bit of weight, not much but then I'm not really trying very hard so that's nice. I have been doing a bit more excercise (walking and lugging boxes) so I suppose that's probably helped a bit. must try and keep it up. As long as it's dry on Thursday I'll take a turn up to the big safeways or something - I can get a seat and a coffee at the end and also pick up some food. I may make mexican rice or pasta or something for the guys on Saturday.


All in all am mostly on the good right now

Well, dinner last night was very nice - Thanks Mum! And after they went home I filled the smaller box and most of the bigger one with books. I've got 3 of the 4 bookcases out of my bedroom now and all the books that are still in there are mine. I've noticed I get very sweary while I'm doing it - wierd.

The boss has told me that I need to take my 5 days holiday sometime very soon, so I'm looking for one of those week-long crash courses to get my driving licence (hopefully not literally!) it'll be a week's holiday combined with something very useful. It's also very normal to go on your own, so it's all good and not scary. Am desparate to learn and get a wee car of my ownsome - perhaps a little Ka? I've been in one and they're very comfy and I've been told that they're cheap to run and insure which is all good. I shall investigate on the web this afternoon.

Team meeting is at 2, so I'll do lunch at about 1.15 I think, it does mean I'll have a great big wash of time later on but hohum, am hungry!

Am off to paisley tonight for a game- I think it's a dark futures one, something kind of cyberpunky anyway. I've no clue what I'll be playing. Never mind it'll be fun anyway :). I'll phone through my dinner order at about 6 so that it will be waiting when I arrive, Monday night is chinese night. Hong kong chicken fried rice or cashew nut chicken.....ponder. the Fried rice is a little less messy anyway......

11hours down, one to go.... This working weekends thing bites. I'm supposed to be coding some stuff in VBa, but it's stinking and my brain melted so I'm taking a break. I'm supposed to be desktop only, so how come I had to move an intranet site from one server to another and make the requiste changes to IIS and DNS and then write code to check the latest version of DAT file automatically (I've got that bit working fine, I just need to put it in excel to strip out the data to a meaningful report)? OK, so it's a damn sight more interesting than re-adding peoples PSTs and reseating power buttons, but it's annoying not to get appraised for the "big" stuff - it's harder ;) !

Back in tommorrow for day8 in-a-row, but at least I don't start till noon and it's a short 8hours. Bah, am turning into a zombie and could quite happily sleep for a month.... or a coupe of Days anyway. Shoulders and neck are still all achy from lugging crap around last night. Feel better spiritually though so not complaining too much (not at all except here and in my head actually).

I've managed to scrounge a couple more boxes for his wankerness's stuff. One of them's a 17" monitor box so it's HUGE... should come in handy, and it isn't me that's going to have to lug it down from the flat full of books *g*. I have a plan to take his stuff out the built in wardrobe (there's not much) and put some of my stuff in there (some videos and stuff) and just put some of the boxes over the door, it'll take up slightly less space I think and I won't need all those things right away. We shall see. I'd like for him to come and get a lot of it on Friday when I'm off (it should be his day off too) but I'm not delighted at the thought of contacting him - I can't help feeling I've already run after him too much. I know I'm packing his stuff, but I'm really just chucking it in boxes to let me get on with sorting my flat back to how I want it - it's been quite cathartic actually, for the first time I can think "I don't really want him back" and actually believe it. I think it helped that I was on Handbag.com's forums yesterday and read a few posts in relationships about why the poster were BETTER since their break ups. I'm better too I think, at least I'm seeing a lot more of my friends and making an effort to keep in regular contact with people. I'm actually less weary (shattered, exhausted, I am tho!) and I think that's cos I'm not "responsible" for keeping HIM happy anymore. It's a bit of a relief actually, it could be very hard work and he could easily bring me down from a good day at work...

I got to speak to a really good friend of mine from work (one of the few I'd actually call a proper Friend) for the first time in about 3 months - she's been signed off with depression and hasn't been talking to people , she's gone back to live with her parents and wasn't answering her mobile etc. I totally get that that's just part of the illness, so no recriminations, it was just really really good to talk to her. I realised how much I'd missed her. she's doing a whole lot better by the sounds of things, which is GREAT - I was really up having spoken to her, like a bit of a worry had lifted (which I suppose it had actually...) I hope to meet up with her in a couple of weeks, if only for lunch or summat. fingers crossed.

M&D are up to visit and drop of a bed for my now spare room (was his "study"), the room is probably now more than a little too full, but I've got people staying next sat so it's good to have it. Dad's coming to get me from work (woo hoo) and Mum's making us tea :), this is all good. With any luck they might have taken some of my rubbish down too - I keep forgetting on my way to work and it's a bit of a haul. They'll not stay too late - 10ish maybe - which is good cos I reckon I'll be about ready to fall over by then and I want a bath before bed. Just to choose which flavour of Radox I'll use. I was probably going to have to work till 11 tonight, but the important bods down south have finally decided it's not essential so I'm delighted.

It's lovely and sunny outside today - it'll be beginning to set when I get out of here *boo hiss* - I suppose I should be glad that the office is such an open plan space with big windows or I'd be like a troglodite! 50 minutes and counting.

We've a team meeting tommorrow afternoon, hopefully it'll be a good one and not a shouty number - after the week we had last week I'd hope it'd be a nice thank you type meeting - we got hit by the virus amoung other joyful things and it's been a bit of a trying time. Busy busy mostly, and very frustrating trying to get lots of different people to respond to us. I was out on thursday night and had a rare mid-week drink (admittedly only a pint of lager..), it tasted very nice indeed. We then went to see Pirates OTC (again) - love lovely Orlando Bloom *drool*, much much cuter as a pirate than an elf (may have something to do with the fact that he's not jail bait anymore.... :) ). It's a great film - Jonny Depp is SO good, very very funny. There are some very quotable lines too - I reckon when I grow up I want to be a pirate lol! Something sexy about knee length boots......

I reckon I could make my handover emails and a trip to the loo last 40minutes if I try hard enough......

Ooooh, brand new blog. Lovely. somewhere to put my rants and witters most likely (well, it saves my poor friends getting it, right?).

basically my coward lying bastard ex walked out on me with no warning while I was at work just over 3 weeks ago. My flat is still full of his stuff (although I'm getting some boxes together and packing it up, making my house my own again) and the cowardly waste of space hasn't bothered his arse contacting me about it. He has my email address and my mobile number to text me so it's not like he even has to call me. PRAT.

I'm wavering between being angry and being upset when I think of him (mostly I try very hard not to), we were together over 5 years and I thought that we were together long term. Now I realise that actually he's very selfish and pretty much just stayed with me because being in a relationship was more convient than not being in one. It's a bit devastating to realise when you've poured your heart and soul into it, but it's true.

I bent over backwards to suit him, which was a pretty stupid thing to do, I admit. But I loved him and wanted to make him happy, and you do that kind of thing, don't you? Basically, he wanted someone to mother him - he refused to make decisions about the day to day things, but if he wanted to do something there was never any discussion. So I got to make all the decisions about toothpaste and he got to choose the movies we saw. In fact, I had to organise all our holidays too, and the only input he made was to want to go to places he couldn't afford. I ended up paying for our one "big" holiday and although he was supposed to be paying me a bit each month for it, he never bothered. The more I think about it the angrier I get - how selfish!

He also made no effort at all to get to know my friends, he just wrote them off. He came to a grand total of 3 parties with me in over 5 years, and I had to jump through hoops to get him to agree to that. Strange how you can ignore these things - or only see them as disconnected events while they're happening.


He obviously wasn't ready for a relationship, or certainly not willing to grow up enough to have one with me. I kept wondering when he would - I'd have thought that by 30 he might have managed but he seems intent on keeping the status quo forever. He's losing touch with friends who have moved on in their lives - he rants about it actually, no one is allowed to change! The more I look at it the more I see that he is never going to do anything with his life (unless someone drops a bomb on him!) because the effort is too much - all his silly day dreams of changing his job and actually DOING something with his life are just that, Day dreams.

I deserve someone who respects my opinion and my right to be valued and I need someone with a bit of drive and ambition! I want a partner I can be proud of, not one I have to keep excusing (yes I know that's just me feeling that I have to excuse him, HE certainly never felt the need to excuse himself, but it just shows we weren't suited, and one of the ways I can tell if a future relationship is ok)

Rant over for now. I need to get some more boxes for his crap and I need to get some big prints or something to cover the little holes in the wall where his 8million pictures were! My shoulders are SOOOOO sore from lugging around boxes of books and stuff last night. My house does feel more my own though.